Hughes: I Need To Win Ugly

World soccer was shocked today when Manchester City supremo Mark hughes claimed:

MAN UNITED PLAYERS ARE THE UGLIEST BUNCH OF BASTARDS ON THE PLANET!

"It's true," Welshman Hughes insisted, "They really are ugly as sin. I mean United players've always been on the homely side - even in my day, no one at the club could exactly be described as pretty. Look at me - even now, whenever I shave the mirror cracks, but back then I was so bum-faced people tried to park their bikes whenever I did sit-ups.

"Everyone of Sir Alex's latest crop, though, have faces like well smacked arses.

"But then it's always been that way at United - while everyone else's busy on the lookout for skills, United've always gone for guys who look like the backend of a bus.

"That's their secret, you know - they know you don't need skill if the opposition or the officials are too busy averting their eyes. It means you can literally get away with anything.

"And that's what's been holding City back. We've got too many players like Robinho: pretty boys, with hardly any body hair and girlish arses just begging you to rub oil into them - or so the Arab owners reckon. Personally, I prefer my men rugged and covered from head to toe in wirey black hair, like mountains goats...or sheep, with arses you want to kick, or smack...or bite.

"That's why we've signed Carlos Tevez - because he's so fucking ugly.

"But that's why we're hesitating over John Terry - is he ugly enough for the new City? I know from my playing days the lad can give a good account of himself when it comes to the old arse biting. I also have personal knowledge the lad can take a good chomp himself - but is he ugly enough?

"Oh, I'm not disputing he's got a face like a pig's arse backed up against a bike shed, or eyes like a couple of pickled eggs - but is it a face you really want to smack? Do his pasty chops really make you want to give them a really good whalloping?"

Sir Alex - "The Real Reason Teves Had To Go!"

Shock news today as United supremo Sir Alex Ferguson revealed the secret reason he had to refuse his diminuitive Argentinian superstar contract:

CARLOS TEVEZ - IS A WEREWOLF!

(Tevez shown below undergoing the four stages of his hideous transformation into a manwolf).



Sir Alex revealed, "It's well known the other United lads called the boy 'Boris Karlos', and people've always assumed this was because he looks so much like those hideously deformed hunch back dwarves in those Thirties' b/w horror movies where they follow the mad scientists 'round going, 'Yeth, math-ter...'

"But the truth everyone needs to know now is - Carlos Teves is a lycanthrope...a loup garou, if you will."

(Shown below: United players engaged in a life and death struggle to restrain Tevez as the transformation gets underway; and Tevez with the silver dummy which is the only known means to pacify the condition once it gets started).


"He possibly wasn't always that way, though - though it's probably true he always had the tendency. But the thinking around these parts is the blame lies down the road - at Anfield, and maybe also at City, though I wouldn't rule out Mourinho or Wenger, either.

"Everyone knows when the boy Cantona went berserk and flung himself in the crowd at that fan the real blame for all that business lay with our rivals - they'd had poor Eric kidnapped and brainwashed by a team of maverick CIA and KGB Psy-Op specialists.

"This time, though, the thinking is Voodoo. It's not like they haven't tried it before. Anyone with eyes can see by the length of poor Ronaldo's neck their first attempt at using it almost succeeded in turning the lad into a weregiraffe.

"But regardless of whether or not Carlos Tevez is a hideously deformed hunch back dwarf with a lisp or a werewolf, the main thing people need to realise is he's evil personified, pure, pure evil - quite possibly the Antichrist even."

In a related note, when asked why he never got around to signing Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne, Sir Alex replied: "I would've thought that was perfectly obvious - the lad was a Frankenstein."

(Gazza 'Frankenstein' Gascoigne, yesterday).

David Beckham Causes Big Stink

The football world was left reeling today when it emerged:

DAVID BECKHAM - HAS B.O.!

Beckham, (seen here inviting LA Galaxy team-mate Landon Donovan to, "Smell this!"), has been so worried about his body odour secret 'getting out' he has been travelling the world in search of medical experts to help cure his hideous condition.

A tabloid insider revealed about Beckham, (shown here surreptitiously sneaking a sniff of his own armpit), "Our first clue something wasn't quite right was the fact we hadn't been able to catch him in any of the countless infidelity traps we'd laid for him. A lad in his situation - it didn't make any sense.

"We'd tried everything: women, men, ladyboys, children - we'd even tried a sexually confused giraffe but David wouldn't bite.

"The first breakthrough, though, came during a brainstorming session when the pensioner who serves our coffee casually observed, 'What I want to know is why the lad can't keep his clothes on?'

"This set everyone thinking - then someone pointed out how he always seems to prefer open air venues like football pitches, or windswept tropical islands.

"It's also the case him and Posh are fanatical endorsers of their own brands of scents and deodorants."

By now it'd become a scientifically proven fact Beckham was a chronic sufferer of B.O., yet there still remained to be revealed one more even darker and terrible a secret.

The big breakthrough came when one of the technicians involved in the shoot for Beckham's notorious Armani pants ad broke his silence on condition of maintaining his anonymity.

"Because of that picture, the whole world thinks David Beckham has a huge manhood. But think about it: if someone's genitalia was really that size, they'd be deformed - especially if it was also shaped like a WW II German helmet!

"The truth is David Beckham's hung like a gnat that's tucked breadcrumbs under its arms. I know - I had to 'arrange' the guy.

"What actually happened was all through that shoot Becks kept letting slip all these evil smells. You know - the silent but deadly kind. But as desperate as he was to keep the gas in, his bowels were just as desperate to release it.

"Then, right in the middle of a shot, the build up of gas became too much for him.

"Let me tell you - it was like an atomic bomb going off. My ears were still ringing, hours later.

"Anyway, that's what that huge bulge in his pants in the final finished picture was - the moment David let rip."

Fortunately, although Beckham's been told by medical science there's no cure for his fatal body odour condition, an LA based yoga teacher 'friend' has been teaching him advanced methods of esoteric anal control to finally make his catastrophic flatulence problems to some degree manageable.

Jenson Button Loves Rafa Benitez - Fact!

Shock news for F1 today as Jenson Button reveals the real reason for his dramatic loss of driving form:

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH RAFA BENITEZ!

Button, (seen here oblivious to everything except the thought of his beloved Rafa), has posed an increasing worry to his Brawn teammates as his obsession with LFC supremo Benitez has continued to grow unabated.

An insider told this reporter, "As everyone knows, normally Jenson goes round clean shaven - the way the girls like him - but as soon as this fixation with Benitez started he grew that silly goatee as a sort of tribute to the portly Spaniard.

"Of course, as soon as the Brawn people and their sponsors realised Button was spending more time in his cockpit tenderly caressing the beard instead of steering his way to victory they prevailed upon him to shave it off. Unfortunately, the next day he immediately grew it back, and this is the pattern which's continued right up to the present."

Another insider revealed: "Another alarming quirk he's developed is to carry a half-filled glass of Red Bull around everywhere with him. Apparently Red Bull is his term of endearment for Benitez - 'red' of course being the colour of Liverpool's strip, and 'bull' the national symbol of Spain...or something like that. The thinking is, the glass of Red Bull's supposed to be some sort of secret lover's signal to Benitez, something along the lines of, 'I'm only half-sated - fill me up'."

When confronted by this reporter, Button admitted, "Yes, it's true - Red Bull is constantly on my mind. Even when I sleep, Red Bull fills my dreams. Even all my daydreams are about Red Bull banging away at my tailgates."













(Liverpool midfielder Xabi Alonso, yesterday, also thinking of Rafa Benitez).

Rafa Shooting Allegations Shocker

Shock news today as claims Rafa Benitez, (shown here in his early days as a Real Madrid goalkeeper), killed a leading Manchester United player turn out to be untrue.

Benitez, it seems, actually killed a hippopotamus.

Apologizing profusely for the animal's death, Benitez says, "It was a mistake anyone could've made. All I saw was the top half of an enormous mishapen head half way out the water, a pair of evil beady eyes staring at me through some reeds, a pair of huge flaring nostrils sucking in air, silly askew balloon tie ears, and a row of huge crooked tombstone teeth.

"Who else could it be but Wayne Rooney or Rio Ferdinand? But saying that, we're talking about something so monstrously deformed, so revolting to the eye that, of course, it could've been any of United's players.

"Tragically, though, the world is now less one hippo."














(Wayne Rooney, seen training yesterday)

German ace, Sebastien Vettel shocked the F1 motor racing world today when he finally confirmed the rumours: "My monocoque got smashed at the opening race in Australia."

Brave Vettel, (shown her attempting to illustrate what happened), also admitted as a result of the damage his monocoque's received, he's now been reduced to the level of calling his latest Red Bull car Kate’s Dirty Sister...Like a ship, it should be named after a girl as it’s sexy"

In response to Vettel's increasingly erratic and rambling remarks, a well known insider, (who looks a little bit like Andy Warhol, only considerably older and much, much shorter), stated to this reporter, "Clearly he's growing more and more confused, and seems to've become convinced his car is now really his girlfriend. It's tragic really, but not that surprising when you consider he's a young man who's just lost his monocoque."
As a result of what happened, Vettel, (seen here offering to show Max Webber what it felt like), and his Red Bull Team Boss Christian Horner have suggested air bags between the legs ought to now be made compulsory in all F1 cars.

It is thought though current F1 supremo Max Moseley is likely to be strenuously opposed to this.

Rafa Benitez - Real Father Of Jacko's Kids?

Shock news for LFC players and fans today as it was revealed beloved club boss Rafa Benitez may actually be the real father of Jacko's kids. Rafa, shown here after eating the seven tons of paella a day he needs to stay alive, refused to comment, which according to the strict legal definitions every tabloid journalist is obliged to follow proves every claim in this article is true. In fact, in desperation Benitez even tried to throw this reporter off his trail by claiming his real name was actually Bob Klein, and he was really a doctor in something that sounded a bit like spidermanology.

An insider with a Scottish accent bearing a remarkable resemblance to Alex Ferguson's told this reporter, "with a wee bit of luck this might actually bring down the final curtain on the fat bastard's Anfield career before he finally takes the Premiership off me in the forthcoming season."

While another insider with a Scottish accent bearing a remarkable resemblance to David Moyes', insisted he lived near enough to Benitez to be practically a neighbour, and claimed to've overheard a conversation outside Goodison between a Spanish couple who could've conceivably been Benitez and his beloved wife Montse viewed from out the corner of his eye and while the sun was dazzling him.

Admitting he didn't understand a word of Spanish and, for that matter - in the judgement of this reporter - could hardly speak English, the Everton shirt wearing insider insisted he could've sworn Montse was telling Benitez, (shown here admitting he may well actually be the father of at least one of Jacko's kids), "By the time my lawyers've finished with you, you really will be working as a fat Spanish waiter!"