David Beckham Causes Big Stink

The football world was left reeling today when it emerged:

DAVID BECKHAM - HAS B.O.!

Beckham, (seen here inviting LA Galaxy team-mate Landon Donovan to, "Smell this!"), has been so worried about his body odour secret 'getting out' he has been travelling the world in search of medical experts to help cure his hideous condition.

A tabloid insider revealed about Beckham, (shown here surreptitiously sneaking a sniff of his own armpit), "Our first clue something wasn't quite right was the fact we hadn't been able to catch him in any of the countless infidelity traps we'd laid for him. A lad in his situation - it didn't make any sense.

"We'd tried everything: women, men, ladyboys, children - we'd even tried a sexually confused giraffe but David wouldn't bite.

"The first breakthrough, though, came during a brainstorming session when the pensioner who serves our coffee casually observed, 'What I want to know is why the lad can't keep his clothes on?'

"This set everyone thinking - then someone pointed out how he always seems to prefer open air venues like football pitches, or windswept tropical islands.

"It's also the case him and Posh are fanatical endorsers of their own brands of scents and deodorants."

By now it'd become a scientifically proven fact Beckham was a chronic sufferer of B.O., yet there still remained to be revealed one more even darker and terrible a secret.

The big breakthrough came when one of the technicians involved in the shoot for Beckham's notorious Armani pants ad broke his silence on condition of maintaining his anonymity.

"Because of that picture, the whole world thinks David Beckham has a huge manhood. But think about it: if someone's genitalia was really that size, they'd be deformed - especially if it was also shaped like a WW II German helmet!

"The truth is David Beckham's hung like a gnat that's tucked breadcrumbs under its arms. I know - I had to 'arrange' the guy.

"What actually happened was all through that shoot Becks kept letting slip all these evil smells. You know - the silent but deadly kind. But as desperate as he was to keep the gas in, his bowels were just as desperate to release it.

"Then, right in the middle of a shot, the build up of gas became too much for him.

"Let me tell you - it was like an atomic bomb going off. My ears were still ringing, hours later.

"Anyway, that's what that huge bulge in his pants in the final finished picture was - the moment David let rip."

Fortunately, although Beckham's been told by medical science there's no cure for his fatal body odour condition, an LA based yoga teacher 'friend' has been teaching him advanced methods of esoteric anal control to finally make his catastrophic flatulence problems to some degree manageable.