Hughes: I Need To Win Ugly

World soccer was shocked today when Manchester City supremo Mark hughes claimed:

MAN UNITED PLAYERS ARE THE UGLIEST BUNCH OF BASTARDS ON THE PLANET!

"It's true," Welshman Hughes insisted, "They really are ugly as sin. I mean United players've always been on the homely side - even in my day, no one at the club could exactly be described as pretty. Look at me - even now, whenever I shave the mirror cracks, but back then I was so bum-faced people tried to park their bikes whenever I did sit-ups.

"Everyone of Sir Alex's latest crop, though, have faces like well smacked arses.

"But then it's always been that way at United - while everyone else's busy on the lookout for skills, United've always gone for guys who look like the backend of a bus.

"That's their secret, you know - they know you don't need skill if the opposition or the officials are too busy averting their eyes. It means you can literally get away with anything.

"And that's what's been holding City back. We've got too many players like Robinho: pretty boys, with hardly any body hair and girlish arses just begging you to rub oil into them - or so the Arab owners reckon. Personally, I prefer my men rugged and covered from head to toe in wirey black hair, like mountains goats...or sheep, with arses you want to kick, or smack...or bite.

"That's why we've signed Carlos Tevez - because he's so fucking ugly.

"But that's why we're hesitating over John Terry - is he ugly enough for the new City? I know from my playing days the lad can give a good account of himself when it comes to the old arse biting. I also have personal knowledge the lad can take a good chomp himself - but is he ugly enough?

"Oh, I'm not disputing he's got a face like a pig's arse backed up against a bike shed, or eyes like a couple of pickled eggs - but is it a face you really want to smack? Do his pasty chops really make you want to give them a really good whalloping?"