CARLOS TEVEZ - IS A WEREWOLF!
(Tevez shown below undergoing the four stages of his hideous transformation into a manwolf).
Sir Alex revealed, "It's well known the other United lads called the boy 'Boris Karlos', and people've always assumed this was because he looks so much like those hideously deformed hunch back dwarves in those Thirties' b/w horror movies where they follow the mad scientists 'round going, 'Yeth, math-ter...'
"But the truth everyone needs to know now is - Carlos Teves is a lycanthrope...a loup garou, if you will."
(Shown below: United players engaged in a life and death struggle to restrain Tevez as the transformation gets underway; and Tevez with the silver dummy which is the only known means to pacify the condition once it gets started).
"He possibly wasn't always that way, though - though it's probably true he always had the tendency. But the thinking around these parts is the blame lies down the road - at Anfield, and maybe also at City, though I wouldn't rule out Mourinho or Wenger, either.
"Everyone knows when the boy Cantona went berserk and flung himself in the crowd at that fan the real blame for all that business lay with our rivals - they'd had poor Eric kidnapped and brainwashed by a team of maverick CIA and KGB Psy-Op specialists.
"This time, though, the thinking is Voodoo. It's not like they haven't tried it before. Anyone with eyes can see by the length of poor Ronaldo's neck their first attempt at using it almost succeeded in turning the lad into a weregiraffe.
"But regardless of whether or not Carlos Tevez is a hideously deformed hunch back dwarf with a lisp or a werewolf, the main thing people need to realise is he's evil personified, pure, pure evil - quite possibly the Antichrist even."
In a related note, when asked why he never got around to signing Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne, Sir Alex replied: "I would've thought that was perfectly obvious - the lad was a Frankenstein."
(Gazza 'Frankenstein' Gascoigne, yesterday).
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